This weekend will make two years since my Aunt Doll passed away. I know that time heals all wounds, but this one is taking a long time.
Aunt Doll babysat me when I was small.
I was the flower girl in her wedding. We took countless road trips together to my grandparents’ home.
She helped me with my makeup for both of my proms. I typed her papers when she was in graduate school.
Aunt Doll and my husband (boyfriend at the time) were close. She was an elementary school teacher and had her students send him letters and pictures when he went to war. She and her students were so happy when he came to see them when he returned.
Our family was shocked to find out that Aunt Doll had cancer. By the time it was discovered, it was already pretty advanced. Aunt Doll fought bravely against cancer for two years.
I saw Aunt Doll about three weeks before her death. With my background in the health care field, I knew that there was no way that she was going to win this battle against cancer.
But despite looking death in the face, I continued to pray and believe that God could work a miracle in her life and heal her. My spirit refused to give up on praying for her to be healed.
I was hundreds of miles away at a public health conference when I received the phone call from my mom that Aunt Doll had died. My family didn’t want to tell me right away, but the funeral was scheduled for three days later.
Instead of grieving, I had to focus on:
- changing flight arrangements to get back to my home state the next day
- taking time off work
- traveling 12 hours by car with a three month old child that didn’t like to sit in his carseat
We got there about an hour before the wake started. The next day was the funeral. The day after that, we got back on the road to go home. I went back to work the next day.
I took no time to grieve. Now, I’m paying for it, two years later.
Since I’ve been a stay-at-home mom, my life has slowed down a little. I have more time to think about things that I neglected to think about while I was busy being a working mom.
Thoughts of sadness about my Aunt’s death have plagued me for months. My best friend Angie died unexpectedly. I grieved a long time, but not quite like this. After much debate and reflection, I think I have finally figured out what the issue is.
The reason why I struggle with my Aunt Doll’s death is because I made a huge spiritual investment into seeing her healed and delivered from cancer.
I constantly prayed.
I had others praying.
I stretched my faith tremendously.
I believed God could and would heal.
When her healing didn’t happen the way I prayed that it would, I was devastated. I wondered why God didn’t “hear” my prayer. The prayers of the righteous do avail much right?
I felt robbed and honestly, I still do sometimes.
Despite my grief and complete inability to understand why my Aunt had to die from cancer, I still choose to believe that God can heal and will heal. My Aunt just got her healing in heaven. It’s not exactly how I prayed for her healing, but I guess it doesn’t matter how it happens, as long as it happens. She’s not hurting anymore and she is experiencing the joy of the Lord.
I guess that’s what I need to continue telling myself.
I hate cancer with a passion. It has affected way too many people in my family. I have to do something about this.
I know this isn’t a typical post, but I’m just sharing my heart today.
Please pray for me that God would continue to heal my heart on this loss and that I will have peace with my Aunt’s death.